20 May 2004 - 6:09 pm

Well, I might not have gotten much done work wise today, but I got a lot done while at work.

Let's see, after having dinner last night with someone I had lost touch with from when I first was working here in LA, she told me about the job she was vacating, and I asked questions, thinking I might know someone who could fill the position. Wasn't sure who, but thought I might be able to come up with someone.

I emailed a couple of people I thought might be qualified, as the salary is quite nice, and sure enough, my former roommate was interested. So a flurry of emails to have my two friends talk to one another, and it left a warm fuzzy feeling in my gullet.

Since I'm presently working on a project at work that involves reading hundreds of contracts, I don't need my computer for anything, so sending and receiving emails was a welcome break from reading legalese. As is also looking things up on the internet.

I began researching places to go for my extended Memorial Day holiday, I'm trying to figure out how many National Parks in the Southwest I can cram into my four days off. What is the driving distance, how far is Glen Canyon from Page, Arizona, and where is Zion National Park in relationship to these things? And I'm reading about camping, and how at Glen Canyon, one must bring your own portable toilet, but can camp anywhere that is flat and over 100 feet from water.

And then, I started thinking about my homework in the seminar I am presently taking, and I'm about two assignments behind, where I'm trying to figure out what my driving purpose in life is. Not the noble purpose that makes me feel good about myself, that I get to declare I am the catalyst for others to have the lives they want, no, the driving purpose of my life, what I default to when I'm not inspired. And all I've come up with so far is hiding out. But yesterday and today, I started thinking how a slightly deeper version of it is: Avoiding Responsibility.

Now this is an odd thing. I think of myself as a fairly responsible person, but I definitely am responsible only to the point of fearing consequences. I take care of my car because I'm afraid it might breakdown if I didn't. I do pretty much everything to the barest minimum, for fear that if I don't, there will be greater consequences. If my true hidden purpose is to avoid responsibility, it would explain why I can't seem to stop being a packrat. It would explain why I can't seem to save money to buy a house, a different car, a bicycle, finish paying off the money I still owe people. Avoiding responsibility explains how I operate, why I can be content with a job that I am competent at, but does not request me to extend myself much farther. A job that I have nothing in particular to complain about, but nothing in particular to be excited about. If I wanted the something to be excited about, I would actually have to take responsibility for creating something different in my life. And all I really want is for someone else to know me really well, and tell me what I should do with my life. "This, Sarah, is what you would be most excellent at expending your efforts towards, for the rest of your life." That's my knight in shining armor. The one who tells me what to do. And if what they said sounded right, I would be happy doing it. The responsibility taken away from me. Of course, it would also be their fault if it didn't work out for me. No responsibility. I get to be justified victim by not taking responsibility. Ick.

So, every time I start getting aware of this hidden, driving purpose of mine, I recoil. It's like a toothache or scab, I just have to poke at it. I can't leave it alone, but I can't be with it for very long. It hurts too much. All the stupidity I have been guilty of to avoid being responsible. Wasted time. Wasted efforts and energy. All the money wasted because I don't want to take an effort in my own life. The gym membership I continue to pay, and have yet to go to the gym. The DSL I pay for, but still haven't finished setting up. The car insurance I probably am paying too much for, but can't be bothered to look for anything cheaper. The boxes in the living room and bedroom that bother me no end, but I can't seem to motivate myself to finish going through. On and on.

So, since my tags are about to expire on my car for this year, and I have been putting off getting my car inspected for smog emissions, I tried working on that. Of course there was a snag because I can't find the paperwork the state sent me months ago, and the only person I have to blame for wasting my efforts today is myself, but still I get to complain, because I am "being responsible." Enough responsible I look responsible, but not really. If I had just dealt with it when I got the paperwork, it would all be handled now, rather than the week it is about to expire. I was on hold with the DMV for 25 minutes, but found out what I needed to know to proceed, tomorrow.

So then I moved on to the nagging long distance phone bills I have been getting, that do not charge the lower rate I was quoted when I signed up for the service. After a fifty minute wait to speak with a live person, the person asked me questions that were irrelevant to my request to disconnect my service. What difference did it make what "band" I was calling to Canada? When I asked what a band was in this context, the gentleman could not explain it, but continued using the word, as if that would make it clear. I told him I was calling British Columbia, if that helped. Mmm, he murmured. A few minutes later, he told me that was band 7. Okay, and I still want to disconnect my long distance phone service. Oh, why? Because....argh, was he really not listening? Perhaps this is an example of why I don't like them? Completed, done. On to my other phone service to let them know I no longer have long distance, so the disconnect can take place as needed. Okay, whatever. Only on hold for another 3 minutes, this is why I am happy with this phone company.

Phew. Things dealt with that I have been avoiding. And paying money for every day that I avoided dealing. So there it is again, that fear that eventually motivates me to action. So I come across looking responsible. When really I am trying my best to avoid all responsibility. And just not succeeding.