02 April 2007 - 7:03 pm

Well, call it Spring Fever, but I have the itch to move on, to leave, to find greener pastures.

My attempts to turn the building I live in into condos pretty much is a bust, I am told there are restrictions that include parking is based on the number of bedrooms, so since all the units in this building are considered two bedrooms, then they should each have two spots each. Why that is not required of rental housing, I don't quite get, or why exceptions can't be granted, as this building would qualify, since there are obviously not enough spots to meet that requirement, other than by including on-street parking. (How about sell the units for cheaper if they don't include parking?) So I need to consider buying elsewhere.

The beautiful houses I found over by downtown LA are slipping from attainability, because my family is not interested in going in on a real estate investment deal with me, despite having expressed interest in it previously, and having given me a timeline of when it would be fiscally possible for them. That means that finding a house is limited to what I can afford, and I can't afford real estate in Southern California by myself. Back to looking at studio apartments being sold as units that aren't quite condos in Long Beach. Hey, wait a minute, those didn't include parking! But that isn't West Los Angeles, different rules thus apply.

Even the boyfriend situation is ridiculous. None of my not-boyfriends have even spoken to me of late, or the ones that do, don't want to right now, and request time alone. I had to call all my boys this weekend to make sure they were still alive. They were. Just busy. No time for me. And no forseeable time for me. Thank god for Danny. I had seen him about of late, and we had been ignoring each other consistently. This morning as I drove out of the driveway to go to work, he was walking up the drive, waved at me, and I rolled down my window to talk. We avoid looking or talking with one another in the back, but it's okay to talk in full view of his ex's apartment in the front?

"Are you on your way to work?"
"Yep."
"How you doing, sweetie?" I love it when he calls me that. I'm sure he calls any female he feels comfortable or familiar with that, but it still makes my day.
"Oh, I've had a headache for four days, but other than that...."
"Why's that? You should stay home."
"No, it's just a pinched nerve or something, gotta pay the bills, you know." My hand moved up to my neck to indicate where I thought the problem was, and his hand reached into the car to touch my neck, gave my shoulder a squeeze. I was wearing a velvet turtle neck, and his fingers caressed it as he removed his arm from my car. "I like that," he said as he rubbed the velvet.
"Well, get better. Have a good day."
"I will. Thanks. You too."

He smiled and walked up the drive, and I turned into the street.

As usual, I was giddy from our interaction. God, is it so pathetic that I just want human touch, I just want someone to be attentive and seem like they care? That seems to be all I want, and I can't even seem to get that from anyone on any consistent basis.

I walked into work today and the first thing I heard about was how two co-workers both separately got engaged this weekend. Another co-worker gushed about the newly engaged's ring, and I always go to that place of I should care, I should be excited for them, but diamond rings don't do anything for me. She looked happy and radiant, but the other co-worker just wouldn't stop gushing. I wanted to go over and congratulate her, but 30 minutes later, still gushing, I gave up for doing anything then. I would say something later. And then the day came to a close, they all left, and I hadn't said anything. Shit. That must seem mean spirited, but honestly I am happy that she is happy. I just wish it could happen to me too.

So instead I get excited about the attentions of a man I slept with once, who is still technically married to my across the way neighbor, has a child with her (thus why he comes around), and both have no reason to get divorced, since it helps with the legal status of one or the other of them. Yeah, that's a wise choice of someone to be interested in. No possible future. Sure, we could date, his ex probably would kill one or the other of us if she knew, (and how would she not know, living across the way, there are no secrets here) because she's allowed to see whomever, but it's not okay for him to; we could possibly have a child together, but he could never marry me, because of her. That sounds awesome, something to aspire to. Something that would definitely continue my feelings of I will never find anyone who could just love me and wants to be with me.

All I wanted this weekend was to be held by someone, fall asleep in someone's arms. I don't even aspire to sex these days, that almost seems like asking for too much, but if I could at least be held....

Nope, didn't happen.

Yvonne tells me that once the art show she's putting on is over, she will go back to looking for a place of her own to live. I almost feel panic when she says that, just the bit of human interaction I get from her, having someone to come home to, to talk with, to not even have that, scares me.

Why does my life not look like I thought it would, why is there no one here in my life?

And let's not even talk about work and how I really want a job where I actually feel like I make a difference in the world, that my getting up and going to work truly impacts someone's life and makes it better. That I changed someone's life for the better just because I got up and did what I get paid to do. That's the job I want.

So yeah, Spring Fever. That overwhelming sense of dread and frustration with where life is now and how out of whack it is with where you want it to be.

Not only Spring Fever, but something momentous is about to happen to me in June. The end of June. Something. And that something makes getting up and going through the day bearable, because it will soon enough be June.

Let's hope the hype meets the reality.