17 April 2007 - 6:17 pm

Mr. Electricity finally admitted to me that he thinks he may be dating someone these days. Thinks, because his usual definition involves sex, and they aren't there yet, so is he dating her or not?

I said, ask her, I would guess she probably thinks she is dating you.

I actually feel a great sense of relief. Finally, he is admitting that all his recent pushing of me away has a reason, his continued annoyance at me for things I have done in the past that now are no longer appropriate for him.... for no reason he would admit, he now admits. Oh, no, he doesn't admit any lack of communication or responsibility for making me upset in the last few weeks, he admits no wrong doing, but at least the cat is finally out of the bag. Like I couldn't guess, didn't know, etc. I just couldn't get him to admit it.

And then, of course, how much of my reacting to what I surmised was going on, is in fact, part of the reason why he has drifted towards her? For how much am I responsible for his actions/reaction?

Well, I mean and I know, ultimately I am not responsible for anything he does, free will, free choice, all that good stuff, but I may have contributed considerably. Whatever.

Now his question is, am I going to be acting weird when we go on our trip to Tennesee? I mean, if he has a girlfriend, and I'm there with him? Weird, I asked him, what do you consider weird? How does she feel about you and I going on a trip together? Is she going to be okay with it? Oh yeah, she's fine with it.

I looked him in the eye. "She's fine with you going on a trip with someone who is still hopelessly in love with you? She knows that?"

"She knows we love one another, that we were in a relationship, it didn't work out, we tried again, it didn't work out... and that we are friends."

Hmm. She probably doesn't know the extent of how many repetitions and years that scenario has played out. If I were her, I would be concerned, if I knew the length of time involved. But, I don't know her, have no way of getting ahold of her, and whatever. Not like this is anything new, either. I always know I will outlast them, in the end. Of that I have always been clear, and so far, ultimately correct.

I told him that I had been feeling like the only reason he was even bothering to be nice to me at this point was because he knew that I had the tickets for Bonaroo (or will be getting them soon), so he has to be nice to me to get his ticket.

He said you know me better than that.

I do, but it doesn't help that all his actions at present lend credence to that theory. The night he was screaming at me over the phone and said he thought he should never talk to me again came to mind (a promise he has never managed to keep with any friend of his, though he might keep it up for a few months), like he restrained himself from following through on that, because who else bails him out when he's in trouble? I would be a poor choice of a friend to cut out of his life. He was upset because I had caught him in a lie, ultimately, told me he was depressed and broke and didn't want company but would be home that night, and had been like that for about a week, and I was worried about him, so I drove down to see him after work, only to find the apartment unlocked and blazing with light, the oven still on, and then see the purse of someone on his couch. I turned off the oven, took my comforter that has been on permanent loan to him for the last two years, and left. I could hear him next door, eating dinner with his neighbors, and this new woman in his life. He told me it just happened that way, he already had plans to help the neighbors christen their barbecue that night (something he had not mentioned at all, considering we had tentatively planned on getting together that particular night), it wasn't at all planned with her coming, but then why was he screaming at me? Because I might have come later and interrupted him with her in a more compromising situation? Don't leave your door unlocked then, I said. He kept yelling at me about trespassing, and I said, the door was unlocked, I didn't break and enter, I was worried about you, I knocked and especially when it was obvious you were home, but not answering the door. That was when I entered, not before.

Regardless. He's asking me if I am going to act all weird at Bonaroo. I said, that's an interesting question given our experiences with you taking me to things that involve entirely all your friends. They make me uncomfortable, only because I don't know them, while you know them considerably. I request again that you arrange for me to meet them in advance of our spending four days with them in a really confined space sleeping together in an RV. Then I will be more comfortable. He began protesting that it was hard to find a time that everyone was available, and I said, meeting them individually would be fine too, I just want to meet them in advance. He said he would try and work on it. He still isn't even sure who will be going. Definitely three other people, one of whom I do know, but there were another two who may or may not be coming.

And if he means weird, like I get all disapproving because he gets totally wasted and then spend a lot of time worrying about him and trying to find him because he gets lost so easily, that might still happen.

I told him that basically I am just planning on going, and if it means I drive there myself, and camp in my car, since I already have my plane ticket and will be getting my concert ticket soon, I just need to rent a car, and if we aren't even speaking to one another by then, then so be it, I will take care of myself first and foremost, it is my vacation, after all, and to hell with him. I told him I am mentally preparing myself for that sort of vacation, hoping it won't be that way, but if it is, I will not have his fickleness ruin my plans.

He said he would work on trying to get people together to meet me.