08 May 2007 - 1:33 pm

So much to talk about, so much I have written with pen and paper but haven't transferred here yet, so much emotional roller coaster in the last week, plus being sick, etc.

But instead, I am turning philosophical. I watched the movie Monsieur Ibrahim last night, starring Omar Shareif, a lovely little film set in 1960s Paris, a coming of age story for a young Jewish Parisian, getting to know and seeking a father figure in a Sufi Muslim shopkeeper and their adventures. And they talked of love, and the lines used reminded me of that passage from ADAPTATION, where the one brother talks of how his love was free to give, it didn't matter if the recipient rejected it, it was still his love and true. And then I started thinking of Sufi philosophy, what little I know of it, and wondered if Rumi too was a Sufi. His poems have that same flavor of love and wonder. And of course he was.

But I love that. My love is free to give, and whether anyone else rejects or accepts it is up to them, it was still my gift to give.

Say my only purpose on this planet is to learn how to love. This is regardless of other lives or what have you. My purpose is to share my love. With myself first and foremost, and then with others.

Any current interruptions to that, just help me put it in focus all the more. This that I am going through in my life, it's just a small glitch. I can continue to love someone whether they want me to or not. I don't have to choose to hate them. I can choose to love them.

Yesterday my music of choice was A Perfect Circle, some very angry music. It was just hitting me in the right spot.

This last weekend, between sleeping and coughing and sleeping some more, I watched over and over Bridget Jones's Diary and Sliding Doors. Surprisingly, each is about a woman finding her boyfriend is cheating on her, and her gaining power out of that situation. I only got Bridget Jones out because I was looking for a comedy, I guess I forgot about the betrayal. How funny!

But oh, you may ask, who have I broken up from? The not-boyfriend, Mr. Electricity, the constant on and off (AC/DC) again in my life for the past 14 years, the one who has insisted for the past two years we have not been in a relationship. But surprisingly, now that he actually has a girlfriend (how do I know? his myspace account clearly announces he is in a relationship! something he can announce to the world and yet could not tell me, me his best friend, whom his girlfriend has been growing increasingly jealous of our time spent together. not that i hadn't noticed his lying, i just couldn't figure out what he was lying about, you know? and why would he lie to me? because he didn't want to hurt my feelings? because he wants to keep me as back up reserve for when this relationship ends, since he kept telling me all the things that annoy him about her, he doesn't expect it will last long. or so he told me. and yet he insists to her i am his best friend (or so he told me). but suddenly all the non-relationship things we have been doing, like talking on the phone on a near daily basis, spending each weekend together, even sleeping platonically in the same bed together, suddenly we can't do any of these things....) i guess i should be flattered. who bothers to lie but to someone you are actually in a relationship with? so in retrospect, I guess he realizes we have been in a relationship. how funny!

So I spent the weekend ill and moping, a happy combination. Being ill is a perfect time to be moping, certainly no one expects anything of you. So mope and watch endless movies I did. And didn't sleep. I wake whenever, probably when he is thinking about me. But he hasn't called, since the infamous "Let me check my schedule, I'll call you later tonight when I get off work as to when I can see you." He with the same schedule week after week. I could tell him when he had his next day off. Last night for sure. Probably Thursday also. That never stopped us, I just used to see him on Friday or Saturday nights when he got off work. That was a week ago. We haven't spoken with one another since Coachella, I wanted to hear how his extra special VIP experience was with her. The whole reason he ditched me was he could get VIP tickets through her, after me having arranged a fabulous place to stay and having offered to get him a ticket. But the tickets sold out, and then he decided he couldn't stay with me, even me offering to let he and her stay with me, I had the room. But of course he couldn't do that, it would be too obvious we were more than just friends to her.

Oh, the tangled webs we weave!

And here I still have his ticket to Bonnaroo, and he and his friends were making the arrangements of we would stay in an RV, but now, he isn't talking to me, and I wonder does he still expect to get the ticket he hasn't paid for from me, and whether I will be staying with he and his friends in an RV? [He asked would I be acting weird if we did. Weird? Staying with people I have never met, and asked him to please bother to introduce me to, that I will be sharing four days and nights, (mostly nights) with total strangers? I might be uncomfortable, so maybe. Define weird.] I have no way to get ahold of his friends, I don't have any of their numbers or emails, he is our only common connection. And the last we seriously spoke, I asked how his girlfriend felt about us staying together at Bonnaroo, was that not a problem for her? I was calling her his girlfriend then, I knew what was up, while he continued to deny it, nah, they were just dating, it wasn't too serious, and he said he had already made plans with me to go to Bonnaroo, so that was that. I was impressed he could give her a statement like that, but then, we were still sleeping with one another then. But now, I am wondering if perhaps they have bought their own tickets and maybe will be attending with his friends and he just hasn't bothered to tell me? Do you think he ever will? Or do you suppose he is hoping they will burn out on one another by then, and everything will be back to normal between us again by then? It's only 35 days away. And still no word. He still hadn't bought his plane ticket to Tennessee last we spoke, and I couldn't figure out what he was waiting for. If he was waiting for her, that would make sense.

Maybe he honestly still thinks of us as best friends, on temporary haitus from one another, because he asked me to give him the infamous "space."

Hey, I've been sick since he hasn't called back. Isn't that an interesting psycho-somatic connection? Or mere coincidence. But looking on his myspace account, she just posted a message on there saying she hoped he got better. So maybe he is taking a break from her too. And she has him prominently displayed as her first friend, while he has her buried in and amongst his 97 friends, while myself and his last girlfriend, the other Sarah, are still prominently on page one. Ah, I could read myriads into that tidbit.

But you know what? Despite the nightmare dreams and sleeplessness I have been experiencing for the last week, I can choose love and not hate.

I choose love, and I sleep better at night.