30 June 2007 - 12:55 pm

Well, it's been a long time since I wrote anything here, but it doesn't mean I haven't written anything. I have. Tons. It's all in my journal, before being transferred here.

But I just haven't felt like transferring any of it. The computer here at work is a whole new one, and I'm still looking for my favorite websites I saved. Same keyboard, just a different operating system, different software, and lots has changed and I get frustrated going on the internet because my defaults are all gone. Bummer.

Plus, it hasn't felt particularly safe to do any writing here at work. Just hasn't. I always did it on breaks or after or before work or while at lunch, but still, no feeling of safeness here. There are secret meetings going on behind closed doors, groups of people getting up and going to someplace together, uncomfortable silences, etc. My boss has gone on vacation, but I have the distinct impression I have been asked to be monitored. That's when things got really weird, was the day he left. But I do know who is not involved, there are at least three of us not privy to whatever is going on, so that makes me feel better for not being an outcast entirely alone. Still an outcast, but with some fellowship.

It comes across as funny to me, I do all this volunteer work, they keep begging me to take on more responsibility as a volunteer, and I am clearly the only one holding myself back on that, I just don't want that much responsibility AS A VOLUNTEER, while at work, my boss is convinced I would not hack it as a manager, "You just don't have management potential" and there is no future for me here. Obviously there is a discrepancy going on. If I didn't do the volunteering, I would believe him. Utterly. But, I do the volunteering, and the people telling me I am doing a good job aren't just saying it, they have run businesses, have had the same positions, seen others in the positions, and know when they see good work, know when they see someone who can take on additional responsibilities. In fact, the person I am now reporting to for this year's round of courses runs a hotel chain in Texas, and used to run the volunteer organization's Seattle Center, I used to know him there, and had a bit of a crush on him back then. Now I get to sit next to him six weekends this year, be at his beck and call. He's married now, gained some weight, and seems a lot more relaxed and is funny, and I'm glad I'm getting to know him. I also get to be around another guy who I still have a crush on, but is also married, who thinks I am brilliant and all my suggestions are great.

Who doesn't want to be around that environment, rather than someplace I end up feeling paranoid and doomed?

The funny thing is, I am just saying a lot of the same suggestions I always have in the past, they are just now being heard by people who can do something about them, or at least give me the authority to do something about them. I am being heard.

It makes a difference.