30 June 2007 - 1:21 pm

The other thing of interest for me is my continuing to lose weight.

Like I mentioned before, I haven't actually gotten back in the habit of walking home from work, but will soon again, as my carpool driver will increasingly be staying later, it being the end of a quarter again. I said I'd start walking home again, if he's willing to drive in.

That starts next week.

In the meantime, I haven't been doing anything in particular. No special eating, no exercising, no nothing. Just get up, work, home, dinner, movie, bed.

That's it, that's my life. Free weekends, I watch more movies. Busy weekends, I don't.

There's been no going down to Costa Mesa on the weekends, no late night talking on the phone, no communication whatsoever. Other than our vacation together, two weeks ago.

That's another story. It was a great vacation, Bonnaroo was fun, but the no talking after that really has me pissed. I'm his best friend? How can I even be his best friend when he doesn't even talk to me these days?

Whatever.

I personally believe, the reason the weight is now just sliding off of me (albeit slowly, but noticeably) is that I don't have that person as a constant in my life. I've been pretty aware that when he is in my life, I gain weight. Then he gets tired of my physical appearance, leaves me alone, I lose it all back again, he sees me again, we start seeing one another again, the weight starts coming back on. Protection. Psychic buffer zone, my body. Physical boundaries I am otherwise unwilling to have through communication.

All I am doing now is I think of a number, hold that number in my head, and the next time I weigh myself, I am frequently that number. I promised myself I would be back under 150 pounds by September, and at least down to 132 by year's end, if not in the 120s. I was 132 pounds when I moved down here to Los Angeles, there is absolutely no reason I shouldn't be again. I certainly haven't grown taller in the intervening years.

But I love it. The weight is coming off, and I can feel it in my clothes. I keep trying on things I haven't worn in a while, and they come close to fitting. It is inspiring. My brand new skirt now doesn't fit my waist properly. It keeps turning slow circles around my body when I walk around during lunch. I went and tried on clothes at the Gap, and actually could get into a size 12 pair of pants. (Didn't like the cut, or how they looked on me, but still.... Much better than a size 18 I had been wearing a year ago.)

I notice that when I am walking, I actually feel sexy, like I haven't for a while. Swish, swish, sway, sway. I practice in the hallways of work when I think no one is looking, then hear a door open and someone behind me, and try to saunter normally.

And here it is the end of June. I kept telling myself throughout this year so far that it couldn't possibly get worse, right? And then it got worse. So then I switched it to I know things are going to get better, and I just need to get through June.

I don't know why, it just seemed important and true. Yesterday was his birthday, I called and left a message mentioning I had birthday presents for him, and to please arrange a time for me to give them to him. I need warning of his arriving because I still need to get a card.

No answer. No recognition I exist. He is frequently depressed on his birthday, so I wanted to make sure he's okay. Nope, nada.

Maybe that was why the end of June was so important. He may say one thing, but I take actions to mean what is truly meant, and his complete lack of action, complete lack of response to emails, phone calls, texts, I take to mean I no longer exist for him. After 14 years of friendship, that's a pretty powerful statement. A friendship, need I even mention it, that has probably existed for the most part because of my efforts to maintain it and stay in communication?

So. That's the end of June. There is no reason for me to maintain a friendship with someone who so callously and frequently ditches me for the flavor of the moment. I am a good friend. I don't end friendships on my own volition, having invested time and energy into them. If I've bothered to put time and energy in, it's for life. The friendships I have lost are usually due to circumstances such as moving, losing touch, the usual things over time. But no such thing has happened. I am here, he is there. And nothing.

Why bother putting any more effort into it, now that I am well on my way to getting my sexy body back? Well on my way to re-gaining a sense of myself yet again? It really is amusing how cyclic it is.

So I'm looking at properties to buy, and so far the only area I can afford easily is where my parents live. I just found a house for $42,500, 3 bedroom, 2 full bath, 2 story, and I think I will go have them check it out. Because really, what is there to keep me here in LA? I can easily fill my time here in LA, but what do I want that will fill me? I want more space, a place of my own and a sense of some progress in my life.

I may just buy something here in LA, I found a couple of converted apartments for less than $200k, but something is definitely going to switch here soon. By the end of the summer in progress, by the end of the year, all in place. Because I say so.

Because, another year without consistent sex really doesn't sound appealing.